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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27452197">Emotional Deprivation</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/m4r1b0r0/pseuds/m4r1b0r0'>m4r1b0r0</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Original Work</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Dysfunctional Family, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Established Relationship, F/F, Family Drama, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Protective Older Brothers, Psychological Torture, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships, alice needs some rest, ans is little shit, mura is tired</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 16:28:11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Underage</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,294</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27452197</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/m4r1b0r0/pseuds/m4r1b0r0</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>She really has tried. They all did. They didn't mean for it to end that way. The issue is that there is no one to blame... Except they all have agreed to blame Alice. After all, they have never had anyone to stop them from playing Gods. </p><p>As D. once said, the shit really went down.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Original Female Character/Original Male Character, Original Male Character/Original Male Character</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Part 1: the falling</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This is my first fic and it is really just a fever dream.<br/>I promise I don't hate Alice!</p><p>Please enjoy.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sitting on the bench near the closest trash bin she ripped the last ten page of the book; Alice raised her eyebrow,</p>
<p>"Didn't like the ending?", Ans sighed and finally looked and her companion,</p>
<p>"I'd rather not read it, I have had enough sour endings."</p><hr/>
<p>Ans took a pencil out of her hair and gave it to Alice picking up the pace. The sun just started rising from behind the buildings and morning fog was at its fullest. Two girls were walking away from the dark corner they spent a few hours hiding behind,</p>
<p>"You really do need to talk to him, Ans. I know you might feel as he doesn't care but I know that he does. Otherwise, he wouldn't even bother-", Ans cut through Alice's sentence with a cracked whisper,</p>
<p>"Not him. 'Ts me who can’t bring themselves to care." Alice startled. Ans walked a few steps forward and also stopped; glancing back on the other girl who in her turn was staring with her eyes wide open,</p>
<p>"Y-You don't mean that. Ans, you were doing so good. Damn, you guys were doing good... He was doing so well! Did you fight? Did something happen? Ana please, say that you are joking." Alice stuttered, something unusual for her but it wasn't about her right now, it was about someone whom she wanted to help and thought she did. Ans blankly looked past Alice, slowly closing her eyes and sighing,</p>
<p>"I don't know. Do not blame yourself though, you did help for a while. It's just... I'd call it a fall depression?" that excuse sounded reasonable enough for someone who didn't know Ans or her partner (he refused to call himself her boyfriend), but Alice knew them, both of them. She knew that it wasn't just depression or anxiety or PTSD or anything of the sorts. It was not something that could be fixed or treated because it was not broken. Ans was getting better. Her and D. were supposed to get married next year (not officially announced but Alice helped to choose a ring) and now this? It would wreck all three of them. D. because Ans was the only one he genially cared about. Ans, because she'll start to think she was broken again. Alice because she has seen both of them at their lowest (not true for Ans part but still close).</p>
<p>"Did you tell D. about that?" Alice knew the answer but she needed to hear anyways even if it is going to rip something inside her. Ans turned away and started walking again. Sun laying its rays over her head, never touching it,</p>
<p>"I told his brother. I wanted to check if the problem was D. or not." Alice looked like she wanted to say something but she was startled by a burning sensation in her eyes, she hasn't cried since her mom died. Ans, looked forward,</p>
<p>"You can guess which one it was." Alice breathed in and it felt like raiser cutting her throat.</p><hr/>
<p>Alice ran into the apartment alone, sprinting towards the bathroom and getting rid of her dinner. She wanted to scream or to never speak again she didn't know which one would be better. The door behind her opened,</p>
<p>"Alice?", the raspy voice of her roommate sobered her up and she let out a broken sob. D. leaned in and gave her a glass of water and suddenly she wanted to drown in it. Alice looked at the guy sitting in front of her. He looked more worried than concerned and she sobbed again,</p>
<p>"I am so sorry..." they were so good for each other. She was jealous of Ans at first, after all, D. and Alice have been through some serious shit together and Ans breaking through all of his walls wasn't good news. And now on the dirty bathroom floor, weak in front of the same guy who she wouldn't mind killing about a year ago all she wanted is for Ans to come in and hug him. Pretend, like morning conversation was just a nightmare. D. reached forward and patted Alice's head. It was the most affectioned he could be. He had a few guesses why Alice was a wreck but he wasn't sure he won't become a wreck as well. At least not now.</p>
<p>"Al, it’s ok. Whatever happened it’s fine. We are fine.", Alice tensed up and shook her head,</p>
<p>"She talked to your brother, D. she said she wanted to check. She wanted to check D.! SHE WANTED TO FUCKING CHECK IF SHE'D CARE!", Alice knew she was falling apart, she knew that by saying that, D. would fall apart as well, she knew she couldn't fix something that wasn't broken, and yet, she hoped that they could go back to four months ago when everything was still glued together.</p>
<p>"I know. He called me a few hours ago." D. raised his head looking at the ceiling he recalled a midnight conversation with his younger brother.</p>
<p>"Hey, I know that you said not to call you anymore but that is a sort of an emergency."</p>
<p>"What happened?"</p>
<p>"Ana stopped by an hour ago."</p>
<p>"Why are you calling now?"</p>
<p>"Had to get my head around what she said"</p>
<p>"Are you ok?"</p>
<p>"Do you care?"</p>
<p>"No, just answer"</p>
<p>"No, I am not. I am with Zu right now."</p>
<p>"That bad?" "Yes."</p>
<p>"So?" "She doesn't care-"</p>
<p>"Sounds like karma is a bitch"</p>
<p>"D."</p>
<p>"I got it. Please stop talking."</p>
<p>"Listen..."</p>
<p>"Fuck off."</p><hr/>
<p>Alice was a mess. He was no better.</p>
<p>"Where did she go?",</p>
<p>"I don't know, I couldn't ask". The sun rays pierced through the bathroom window. D. got up and Alice felt him trembling and said something that she regretted saying the second words left her mouth,</p>
<p>"I wish she'd never moved in".</p>
<p>"That would've been too easy Alissandra", he chuckled.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Part 2: phone voice</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>What do you do after you caused your best friend to break down?<br/>Right, you make everyone to regret they've ever met you</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I promise, it'll become more clear</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>D. was lying on the mattress in the corner of the room. Smoke curling under the ceiling. Moon was the only source of light in this part of the city and to be completely honest with himself he hated it. D. turned his head to the side to see an empty pillow. A bitter smile crossed his lips for a mere second before vanishing with a smoke. Orange-tip of cigarette met with his skin and he sharply exhaled "How the fuck could do you enjoy that..." and he tensed up. The phone was vibrating somewhere on the floor. He grunted and reached for it, </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yes?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Hey D." he'd sell the rest of his soul to hear this phrase again and again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yo," he heard chuckles on the other end and let out one himself.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Is that everything you can say? Really? D. where are your monologues?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"They are only reserved for face-to-face interactions. Why'd you call?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Think whatever you want about me but I </span>
  <em>
    <span>do</span>
  </em>
  <span> miss you" she didn't sound sad, tired maybe but not sad. He sighed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I don't think anything Ans. I get it. It is overwhelming and I have no clue how to cope with it, so I just don't." knowing Ans periodically he figured that the easiest thing is to tell her as it is, the story doesn't have to follow a plotline.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Good choice. I am on my way. So, let's 'not cope' together." he started laughing, just because he didn't know how else to respond to that.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You do realize you made Alice cry, gave my brother a panic attack, made your cousin worry sick"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Well, first of all, I know I am a shitty friend and I have no idea why they are still dealing with me. If I were them I would've told me to fuck off. Second of all, my family knows that I am a walking disaster. Zu was not worried about me. Mura just said to go and get railed, and aunty forgets my name sometimes"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Then what about putting me on the edge of a mental break down?" it wasn't like he really cared about the answer more like for the sake of shit and giggles. Ans had sharp tongue. Trust him, he would know.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Your main kink is edging, don't complain" (told you.)</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"How far are you?" he got up and open the windows, letting a nigh breeze into the room</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Going up the stairs, why? Eager yet?" while he felt bad for emotionally torturing Alice he would not change anything for the world.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Door is open, princess"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"It is open because you broke the lock."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Can you be any more romantic." he heard the door opening</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You wouldn’t let me in your bed if I were" he saw her come in the room and smirked</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Damn right I wouldn't"</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Part 3: torture</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Mura is ready to kill.<br/>Alice is still oblivious.<br/>Ans is a little shit as always.<br/>D. just wants to cuddle.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I too can't decide who I hate more Mura or Ans.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Don't get them wrong, D. and Ans loved Alice, each in their own way but they did love her. This whole charade with their feelings and emotions wasn't something new. Alice was too much in her head to see that while they were "so good for each other" they were <em> fucking </em> toxic towards everyone else. And the thing was, they were only toxic when they were together. Mura knew it, Zu knew it, even Sho knew. Alice <em> chose </em> to be oblivious.</p><p>And they didn't blame her; that would've been too low. Hard childhood, abusive and now dead mother, don't-care-about-you father, even psychology degree weren't doing her justice. D. cared about Alice, he truly did, but at the same time, he treated her no different from a year ago. Ans loved Alice, she was her best friend and overall just a person to rely on. She would get irritated with her when Alice would become overprotective, which in fact was the original reason for Ans's behavior towards her.</p><p>For now, it was 4 am, Ans was lying on D. with his hand tangled in her hair and her ear on his heart. D. was trying to remember when the shit went down. Sho was sobbing in Zu's shoulder. Zu was thinking about Mura and his unhealthy obsession with his past. Mura was holding a photo of Ans and him from 3 years ago and wondering where did it all go wrong, Alice lying on his couch. Alice was staring at the ceiling and figuring out where she had sinned in her life.</p><hr/><p>"You know, sometimes I can't decide who I hate more, you or your sister" Alice voice was still silent from hours of crying</p><p>"Don't decide and hate us both" aside from common belief, Mura loved his sister but God, did he fucked her up in childhood.</p><p>"I wish it was that easy" Alice didn't pick up that he in fact wasn't joking and Mura irritatingly thought that Alice probably just bought her psych degree in the convenience store. "I can't bring myself to hate her, it’s not her fault she is like that..." Mura wanted to slam Alice's head in the wall and leave her bleeding out.</p><p>"Zu thinks I am obsessed with the past and he totally misses your obsession with my sister"</p><p>"I am not obsessed with Ans, it's just, I want to help her" Mura internally screamed</p><p>"Everyone wants to help her, me, Zu. It's like our family is a bunch of children who can't take care of ourselves." 'please leave, please leave, please leave' he was a sentence close to committing a murder, the only reason why Alice is still alive was that both of his siblings would be sad and he can't be bothered to spend more time with Zu. Ans is fine but Zu and his empathy...</p><p>"I am serious, she was doing so well, what happened" Alice was worried about Ans and Mura was worried about where to hide the body. He gritted his teeth and felt the itch in his fingertips.</p><p>"Alice, talk to her, not me. I can't help you with you trying to fix my sister-"</p><p>"That's the thing! You all think that she is broken when she is not!" three blocks away Ans sneezed and D. raised his brow "Alice?" "Who else."</p><p>"Listen, it is 5 am, go home, chill out, and talk to Ans tomorrow-"</p><p>"I don't know where she went! I thought she would be here." Mura felt his patience ripping apart. Ans was here. She was here 5 hours ago. And she was <em> fucking </em> fine. They talked about some insignificant shit laughed about some dick-jokes. Then she called D. and left. And he used to call D. a drama queen.</p><p>"I am tired, Alice. Go home."</p><p>"Do you not care about your sis-"</p><p>"Do. Not. Finish. That."</p><p>"Sorry."</p><p>"Leave" that was probably genetic but three of them, did not feel guilt. Not even Zu, sure he felt bad about that sometimes but other times his cousin was pretty chill on the outside. On the inside though...</p><hr/><p>The phone buzzed near Ans's hand she grunted and D. tugged her even closer to himself</p><p>"Yes?"</p><p>"Thank me for not killing Alice" D. started straight up laughing, Ans rolled her eyes</p><p>"Want to talk about it?" it was a rhetorical question she knew Mura didn't and she knew he was going to blow up</p><p>"In the next fucking life!" Mura was annoyed to the maximum, Ans was laughing and D. was observing this whole interaction with tender feeling inside his guts. If his father wasn't a dick he would've probably had the same type of talks with his siblings. But alas, he cut ties with everyone but Sho and God would be the witness he wanted to.</p><p>"You still down for brunch?"</p><p>"Yes, but you are paying"</p><p>"Of course, brother"</p><p>"..." there was a pause, not awkward but calm and thoughtful "See you soon, sis" he hung up.</p><p>D. looked at Ans from above, she chuckled right at his heart and closed her eyes.</p><p> </p>
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